Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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