true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
