we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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