I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
