I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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