At least make sure they are 18
Why
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I fill condoms, not promises.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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