The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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