There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
