what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
