His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
