dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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