i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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