fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
they're like a gay fantastic four
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
