Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
