I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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