it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
