Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
