I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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