Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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