i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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