I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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