The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
