I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
