Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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