wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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