fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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