I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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