is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
