She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Drunk is a universal language darling
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