I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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