im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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