i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
