dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
