Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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