Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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