WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
