Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
