Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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