He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
