I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
