i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
