I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
