Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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