those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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