i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
