gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
