I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
