fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
