I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
