walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
