im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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