Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she told me i tasted like america
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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