i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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