Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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