wrigley field is MILF paradise
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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